White Gloves and Razor Blades

by Phil Rowe
Mis-management, stupidity and even corruption in the management of government housing at some military bases can tax the patience and tempers of tenants. Base (or post) personnel charged with overseeing and administering family housing sometimes get carried away with their real or perceived authority to badger and harass military folks and their families.

When military families get re-assigned from one base to another, they typically have to vacate their assigned housing at their old base and sign up for housing at the new base. The process of getting officially released from the old housing unit is not an easy one. Among the rituals which must be satisfied is the departure inspection, that check by a housing office functionary which certifies that the vacated quarters are clean, absent of damage or destruction beyond what is considered (by them) as normal wear and tear. This exit-inspection process can be both grueling and demeaning for the departing service member and his family.

Some exit inspections have been known to be "white glove" affairs in which the housing office representative actually checks the cleanliness of the vacated quarters with dirt-detecting gloves. Window ledges, baseboards, door frames and even stove and oven inspections are made with white gloves, so as to reveal any taint of dirt or grime. Failure of the quarters to pass the inspector's examination may mean a variety of things to the departing serviceman and his family. It could mean that the housing must be re-cleaned and re-inspected before clearance papers are signed. Or, it could mean that a penalty fee is charged to the vacating tenant, ostensibly sufficient to cover the cost of professional house cleaners.

More than once this writer has encountered a form of blackmail by housing officials. Unless the vacated quarters were cleaned by so-called "designated and approved" cleaning crews, the clearance forms would not be signed at all. That meant that departing personnel were essentially forced (or at least heavily coerced) into hiring such a cleaning crew. Once an approved cleaning crew is paid (prepaid, that is) for the cleaning chore, departure clearance is summarily granted. The actual inspection may or may not later occur, but the exit process has been facilitated.

One sergeant's wife, whom this writer knew personally, refused to be blackmailed. She cleaned her place to where it was "clean as a whistle" and could not have been declared unacceptable. Yet because she had not engaged one of the "approved" cleaning crews, the inspector summarily deemed that the place did not "pass". Told that a re-cleaning would be necessary and subsequent re-inspection required, the sergeant's wife was determined to either pass without question OR make the inspector sure to remember the incident.

She cleaned the place once again, so thoroughly that nobody could possibly find a speck of dust or bit of grime anywhere. But before she scheduled the follow-up inspection, she made special preparations for the "white glove" martinet who would do the job. She imbedded razor blades atop the upper frames of several doorways. When the arrogant inspector wiped his gloved hand across the door frame in a quest for dirt, he would get quite a surprise. And he did.

Magically, the sergeant and his family passed the second inspection and nothing was ever said about the white gloves and razor blades. She clearly made her point.